And so, one day you wake up realizing that you are a mother. And no, not that day you checked the two pink lines on the test. That day, you were unable to realize anything. Or rather, I didn’t understand yet. It happened by chance. It’s an awareness that has grown slowly. It didn’t turn out right away, at least not to me. I had to break down walls of uncertainties, worries, fears, expectations. Compare myself with a dream coming true. Wearing a red pajamas and with wrinkled eyes I left the bed. The cold was true; you were, you are and I … I am mom. I am a mother even if you’re still inside me, in my huge belly that with each passing day becomes more and more gigantic. It will not be the birth or hold you in my arms to make me a parent. I already am. I’m your mother. I feel you.
I feel your presence. Your kicks, your movements that sometimes catch me suddenly, making me squirm.
I feel the pleasure you get when I stroke the belly, because you cease to get my pampering.
I feel that you listen to us, even though I don’t know if you share what me and your father are saying.
I feel the responsibility. Owe you grow as a honest, free and independent person.
I feel the fear. Of not being able to be the mother that I would like or that you whished. To make mistakes.
I feel I’m changing, for the better… and I feel it’s all thanks to you.
I don’t know what kind of mother I’ll be, but I know I am . Today, tomorrow, day after tomorrow: I’ll be here for you. Always.
Even on the day when you will go to follow your path. Because you will.
We will be at a distance of two houses, two neighborhoods, two kilometers, two countries or two continents. Who knows. I will always be by your side. Because what I hope most is that you live your life. That means not the life I want you to live, but the life you want to live. This is the only wish to myself, as a mother. To remind me that you’ll always be a part of me, but you’ll never be mine. You will be just you, and I will be just me. Two similar and different creatures, united and divided, accomplices and discordant, wonderful… because unique.
Photography: Sara Cartelli.
© Immagini The Eat Culture.
